Is it ok to be tired?

Is it ok to be tired? I must admit, I am tired. I am tired from taking care of a special boy for 20 years. I love him with my whole heart; but I am tired! Everything is so complicated when it comes to Preston. If you are easily grossed out, you had better stop reading this right now. Missie cannot understand how I can still wipe his bottom when he is so big and almost 20. Well, I would rather wipe him and know he is clean. I do wear gloves, at this stage of the game. And every time he poo-poos, he plugs the toilet. Someone suggesting flushing it part way through instead of waiting until the end; that doesn't work. And it take SO many wipes every time, that usually I have to take them all out of the potty and use the plunger so we have a working toilet again. Tonight I am so tired, and this has been a stressful day. Sometimes I hesitate to write things here, because of who I know might read it; but if you want to criticize, spread gossip or think you have a better idea (like putting him in a home) then please don't read this anymore. I have special friends who care about me that read my blog, and this is for them to read.

Everything has to be a routine. Missie stayed with friends Fri. night and said she wished our lives were "random" like theirs. Well, I believe in structure especially in children's lives. But even the road we take to church cannot be changed without his getting out of kilter. He is not violent like he was, but he still has mental illnesses and the autism that causes him to need a really structured life. This is an example. Jr. and Missie are both sick with colds so he and I went to church. Now usually Jr. stops in front of the fellowship hall so I can take my food in, then I walk to the church. Well, I wanted to park the van to be sure we got a parking spot by the ramp, and get him safely inside the church to sit in the foyer so he can talk to the people. Then I would go out and get the food and take it in the fellowship hall. But he couldn't understand why I wanted to do it that way at all. But since he thought he was making it hard on me by not doing it as I suggested, he did let me do that. So that was an improvement. But everywhere we go, it is exhausting. Getting him in and out of places, in and out of the vehicle, making sure he doesn't fall, etc. But I love him and I made up my mind when I saw the way those nurses did in the hospital; he would never be left to their mercy; as he wouldn't get the care we give him. I don't know what will happen when Jr. and I are gone; but I have prayed he will go first. But as long as I have breath and can; I will continue to care for him. Missie has taken care of him too; when he was like a baby from that brain infection, she had to help change his diapers. I know it has been hard on her, but I pray this has caused her to be more understanding and want to help others who needs help. And she is a very tender hearted, loving girl to those in need. For that I am thankful.

So life goes on, but today was especially exhausting. It was due to the fact it was rainy, and Missie is sick and was cranky. She is doing online placement tests for this new online schooling we are looking into for high school, which by the way, is FREE and the textbooks are delivered right to the door. That will help us financially, but really, I am also tired of homeschooling. Why can't God work out something for our family so that she can go to school? She is much happier going to school, and it takes a load off of me, then Preston is more relaxed, and things are simpler. Anyhow, the placement tests have a lot of Math which is her weak subject and it is going on and on, and driving her insane. So! I have to listen to that, and since it was rainy, and he has been walking down the driveway to the wood working shop since last Monday, Preston sat in his rocker and talked about how bored he was today, and that he wanted to go away, etc. etc. until by the time Jr. got home from work, I was a nervous wreck and about at my wit's end. So it has been a stressful day in this household! So I must admit I am tired of homeschooling. Now you may be a homeschooling mom and wonder how that could ever be. But if you could live with us, take care of Preston, homeschool, do the housework, and try to have some relaxation time for myself, then you would understand. I am now 50 years old and I am just tired!

Maybe tomorrow will be better? I sure do hope so. I do have to go and get blood work done, but that is no biggie. It will be a relief to get out of the house alone for a while, even to have blood drawn. Now you know how desperate I am, LOL.

Please pray for me, when you read this post. And know that I love my children with my whole heart, but I am just tired!